Anyway, so here's a little bit about me. I'm addicted to coffee. I love to talk, laugh, and sing. I'm a very loud person, and I admit I can be a little bit annoying. I've always been that way for as long as I can remember. I was that kid that had to be separated from everyone in the class because I talked to EVERYONE in sight. So yeah, I'm a big socializer. Oh dear Lord, I'm using the word "I" a lot....so sorry. I'm not full of myself, I promise.
So....what else can I talk about? Oh, I love to sing. I play guitar and piano and I play a ton of my favorite songs all the time. Of course, I sing at church. It's lots of fun, and I've made so many cool friends. I have a lot of friends...not really bragging though. Having a lot of friends is both a good and a bad thing. I'll explain why.
See, everyone always comes up to me and says, "Oh you're so popular...blah blah blah..." People always think that their lives will be much more fun if they had more friends. However, in my case, there are times where I wish people didn't know me. Not really because I hate people...I love people. I just sometimes regret the fact that I met certain people, because of how different they are from me. See, I've always been taught that as a Christian I am supposed to "stand out" and "be in good company." You know, stuff like that. I feel like I've done that. I have a ton of friends at my church, and they've never hurt me. I know some people feel that church folks can be real mean sometimes, and that's definitely true....and I'm trying to change that by the way I treat others.
I've also been taught that as a Christian, I have to "go out into all the world" or "go beyond the 4 walls of the church." You know, step out of my comfort zone. Here's where it gets tricky...see...the friends I have that don't believe what I believe always invite me to go to parties and stuff like that. I admit....I go. It's fun! However, after I leave...I feel this thing inside of me that says that I shouldn't have gone...and I know that I shouldn't have. I know that whenever I go to these places, I don't stand out....I blend right in, but I'm not hurting anyone. I'm not going and judging them, you know? Plus, what's wrong with having friends right?
Well, at one point in my life...very recently actually...my party situation got worse. I began skipping my church duties on the worship team, and I also began drinking and doing things I never thought I'd do. Long story short, I ended up getting taken off of the worship team until I got myself together. Though I wasn't hurting anyone...I knew deep down inside that being with others that are not edifying me to do the right thing was wrong. I was so wrong. Sin, is sometimes so much fun, but it is wrong. My really good friend, Ron, called me out on this and honestly it made me feel bad...but he was right. That's kind of how it feels when God convicts you. It hurts, but you know that it needs to happen.
I beat myself up for a few weeks over the crappy choices I made. I thought there was no way I could come back. My other good friend, Yani, talked to me and it was another side of God's correction. Yani is a new Christian. He's someone who's seen more of the darkness, and never wants to go back. I've been in the light for so long, that sometimes I'm curious about what the "darkness" is like. Don't ever say you've never thought about it...I'm being real here. What Yani told me was that if God forgave him when he was at his absolute worst, why would I think that He won't do the same for me? He said that if God handled grace the way humans would, He'd probably forgive me with no hesitance, and He'd think about forgiving him. But that's not how God is. He forgives both of us in the same way. Yani struggles with his past, just like I struggle with my people-pleasing self....yet God doesn't hate us for it. In fact, He wants us to talk to Him about it. I was afraid to talk to Him, so I ran and hid from Him (familiar story?)
I'm back onstage now at church. I'm still my social self, but I'm learning the power of the word "no." That word is so small, but it has so much power. I'm not staying away from the parties because I'm religious, it's just because I know even more now that I cannot get too complacent. This faith is not a wishy-washy faith, and I'm not going to walk the fence my entire life. It's hard, don't get me wrong, but I'm not afraid to face God anymore when I get tempted. Whatever your struggle may be (drinking, pornography, sexual stuff, anger, whatever), talk to God...He's always listening. He doesn't hate you. People may laugh at you in your weakness, but God will only love on you.
In the words of my favorite band (Fireflight <33333) "I'm not what I have done, I'm what I've overcome."
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