My family is kind of strange so to say. I have an older sister, Megan, who is a grad student at CalArts. She's like, 26 and I almost never see her anymore. My parents are both successful real estate agents, they have a ton of money. However, they could care less about where I end up. All of my kid life, they've been fighting. Last year, right after my 16th birthday, they finally decided to split up. Even though I saw it coming by a long shot...I didn't think it would bother me as much as it did. My whole life, it was always my mom and dad...now it was just my mom. It was not the same at all. When that happened, I had hit the top of a huge depression cycle, which had begun since the very first argument I ever heard from my parents. Little did I know that it had taken a toll on who I was growing up to be.
Ever since I can remember, I was always kind of sad...but I hid behind a huge smile. I could smile around my friends, but when I was at home I sat alone and questioned why I had been cursed with this awful life. It made me sick to see others smile. My day was ruined whenever I saw someone's mom come and pick someone up from school, or whenever I saw other families enjoying dinner at In-N-Out when I sat alone. I never had family fun like that. We went on vacations...but I did other things while my parents did their thing. They gave me $250 bucks and they just said, "Have fun."
You'd think that's awesome, and I must admit...I had fun. I made a ton of friends everywhere we went. What bothered me was whenever we got back home, I was back in that depression. The fun never lasted. I was back to being angry at a smiling world.
The one person's smile who got on my nerves the most was of my best friend Ron. He was always happy...and it pissed me off. He's always had a perfect life. He never got in trouble for anything, he always had good grades, and he never went to parties...he was always at church. We'd run and play video games, then he'd go to church. I always wondered why he went to church. Why did it make him so happy? What was he doing to make this God love him more than He loved me?
I was mad at God. I literally thought He was done with me. When I turned 16, I went on this huge rebellious phase (that was very short-lived). I left my mom home alone and went to parties on weekends. I spent most week nights with Christina, the girl next door. Her parents were divorced almost all her life, so she kind of related to me. However, even though I thought I found some connection with her...I knew that she was using me just like I was using her. Most guys my age won't admit that.
I knew that I just wanted to stop being so mad at the world. I wanted to remember what it was like to smile. So...the following weekend, I missed a party and went to a church thing that Ron kept annoyingly inviting me to. When I got there...I sank into the very back row, and the pastor said something I'd never forget. He said something about God always being with us. Through everything. Even though we can't feel Him, He's there, and He knows us by name. That blew my mind. I always thought God was some type of mean, angry man who only loved perfect people like Ron. I didn't know that He'd care about me so much to even know my name. At the end of the sermon, he invited people to come and talk to God. Of course I went, and I'll never forget the look on Ron's face when he prayed for me. It was there, that I found my smile again.
Ever since then, I kept going to church. I made some new friends, and they're seriously the best. Ron, Lauren, Alana, and Izzy. They're great! My family life is still weird, but I don't feel as angry anymore. I can't explain it, but I just feel at peace. I don't feel so alone like I used to, now that I know that God is with me. That still just blows my mind, and it makes me smile.
I know I am definitely not the sharpest Christian. I still have a lot to learn, and a few questions here and there. What I do know is that if I never knew about what Jesus did for me, I'd still be lost in the anger. I'm glad that He showed me the way out, and I have no doubt that He'll do the same for you. Don't be lost, seek Him while He may be found...because there will be a day when it will be too late.
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